Definitive Moment

As of late, through a series of unfortunate events that maybe, just maybe, were meant to happen, I’ve been left here in this all-encompassing feeling of “what the hell am I doing with my life?”

This most likely stems from a common place that most seniors in undergrad feel when faced with the unknown of what lies ahead, beyond the four walls of an elementary biology class or the day-to-day rudimentary events that incessantly need to be checked off a grand to-do list… but it’s still terrifying.

I’ve realized that I have gotten caught up in the unimportant things in life. The robot-like motions that end up driving rather normal people absolutely crazy, has in fact, driven me absolutely crazy. I’ve focused on the successes of others, compared myself, and always, always, end up falling short. So as usual, I tend to think about this for a spare moment, toss it aside, and continue on my path of routine, checklist, complain, blame, checklist, eat, sleep (barely), repeat. As someone who advocates for ultimate happiness, doing what whats makes you YOU and not letting anyone else tell you otherwise, going after your passion, and pouring your heart into anyone or anything that makes you a better person, I’ve done the complete opposite.

Again, after a multitude of good and bad – mostly bad, moments, I sit here thinking… who am I? What do I love?

I haven’t even looked at my blog in over a year. I told myself I wouldn’t be one of those students who studies abroad, makes a travel blog, and then never works on it again. This blog, in complete honesty, brought me happiness in its purist form. Something I created on my own that others actually enjoyed reading, but more importantly, *I enjoyed reading. It became an extension of myself that allowed others to see a transparency into my thoughts, feelings, and experiences that I am otherwise terrible, I’ve come to find, at doing in person.

Studying abroad was the happiest four months of my entire life. I could be my truest self, but even more so I grew in discovery. I wouldn’t consider myself a shy person or an extremely outgoing person, and I don’t consider myself to be a “sheltered” child or close-minded, but there’s something extremely rejuvenating and traumatically beautiful in discovering new places and learning new things. It’s like being a way cooler version of an infant – and through that I mean in the way infants discover and learn at all hours of the day. Travel, for me, was exactly this. Breathing in every sight, sound, smell, touch and conversation, as if it was the first time to do any of these things, but then being able to turn these into collective thoughts and parallels and intelligence that allows you to better yourself, open your mind, and throw your arms wide open to world with a clarity and fearlessness in a way I have never experienced before. Well, I’m not fearless anymore. And if I am, I sure as hell don’t feel it. Or see it. Just barely, do I remember it.

This kind of effortless discovery made me a better person. It also taught me what true love should be like – something I feel as if I had found in the past, I certainly did in the moment at least, but now, lately, I think I may have been wrong. Think, being the key word here.

The point of all this.. is that I let go of it. I let go of the things that I discovered in myself and others while abroad, and have assumed I can’t find them here at home. I’ve let others dictate my decisions and tell me what I should and should not like – and ultimately, I have no one to blame but myself.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but there was a definitive moment when my entire life switched gears and changed paths and I knew my life would change forever. It was the first time, outside of the flight to Morocco from Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport, that I had traveled on my own. And by on my own, in this sense, was that I consciously got online, researched destinations, picked a new adventure, bought a train ticket, bought a plane ticket (both with my own money), packed my backpack, and left. At 19 years old, this was huge for me. THIS was freedom, and it was fucking awesome. My three other roommates and I arrived late at Aeroporto Internazionale Galileo Galilei in Pisa, Italy, around 9 at night. (Blog post on that night, here). As frugal study abroad students, we knew not to spend our money on a good hostel or convenient taxi rides, so we walked, about a mile, in the dark, in an unknown town, without speaking the language, until we reached our hostel. We, of course, got lost. Having no phone usage, bags, and zero Italian knowledge between the four of us, was a recipe for a long trek, but we made it. After that, we got advice from our hostel to eat at an incredible pizza place right down the road. Two years later and I STILL dream of this pizza. By this time, and with a few drinks in us (did I mention legally drinking alcohol at 19 years old is also a very exhilarating and freeing experience?), its midnight. The adventurer in me wanted nothing more than to stay out and make the half a mile walk to the leaning tower of Pisa. After some convincing and shirt-tugging, I got everyone on board and we walked aimlessly throughout the narrow Italian roads in search of the first “landmark” I had ever seen in my life. Like a movie scene, it starts drizzling. Just enough to where it’s relaxing and soothing and playful, creating the perfect misty grass smell and slight squeaking noise that comes about when you touch leather boots to old cobblestone streets and brings nothing but a slight smile to your face. We rounded a corner, honestly forgetting about our search but rather immersed in great conversation and laughter, and there. was. the. tower.

To most, seeing the Leaning Tower of Pisa would just be another landmark to check off a bucket-list. To me, standing in the rain, at midnight, in silence and oneness, looking up at the tower that was breathtakingly lit up by ground spotlights effortlessly dimmed by a wet fog – meant freedom.

Honestly, looking back on my blog post about that night, no one would have ever known that those emotions and life choices were going through my head. I babbled on about pizza toppings. But no amount of words can describe the feeling in that moment. I couldn’t even process them at the time, because I had never experienced happiness in that way before. And I honestly haven’t felt happiness like that since. In that moment, I made the decision to never let anyone or anything get in-between my hopes and dreams. To be a strong and independent traveler. To fight for those who follow their passion, whatever that may be, and to wake up with life and discover beauty, in whatever form it may come in, and to chase my wildest dreams.

To say the least, seeing the Leaning Tower the next morning, in daylight, with hundreds of tourists around, was less than spectacular. But I sat there and smiled in remembrance of the happiness the hours before had brought me.

The last two years have been a slow progression of me forgetting that moment, and focusing on things that don’t necessarily matter. Today, although I feel lost in my sense of self, I have replayed that moment in my head and felt the same emotions flood over me the way they did two years ago.

Today, I take back who I am… or at least trek on in the same fearlessness and wanderlust searching for it.

Why I *Probably* Won’t Return to Portofino

Let me start off by saying that Portofino, Italy is dream-like.

It’s absolutely beautiful. A picturesque seaside town with restaurants dotted along the harbor, each one painted with hues of warm reds to bright yellows. Hundreds of brightly colored boats slowly bobbing in the water to a light breeze. The cobblestone streets are lightly filled with couples walking hand-in-hand, shopping the strip or enjoying coffee over light conversation.

It looks like a scene from the movies… But I don’t think I will be returning any time soon. 

Let me start by pointing out that I am in college. Let me also point out I live in America and pay thousands of dollars to get an education. This further means that my travel budget is not where I would like it to be.

I’m not staying in hotels, eating fancy food, or buying souvenirs (even for myself). My choices are limited, but I’m okay with it. It means I get to roam cities in search of great food for amazing prices or experiencing bartering my way down for a leather purse.

In a simple statement, Portofino is NOT for a young traveler on a budget.  

Once you’re in Portofino, there’s no turning back. I was spending the afternoon there with my roommate just to see the views and grab lunch before making our way to Pisa for our flight. Just getting here is a nightmare in itself; requiring a train and a fifteen minute bus ride with sixty other tourists squeezed in like sardines. On top of that, there are only about 10-15 places to choose from for lunch. All of which are sitting along the harbor… and extremely out of my budget.

We walked to every restaurant to see which one had the best prices – the answer is none of them. Each restaurant had main courses starting around 15 Euros all the way up to 70 and 80 Euros. WHAT?! I was getting extremely frustrated.

We trekked on and found a place that was offering some simple dishes for around 10 Euros. My roommate and I decided to give it a try; we would be here for another couple of hours anyways.

For 12 Euros, I ordered Spaghetti Ragu, or, Spaghetti with meat sauce. A dish that is, well, really hard to screw up in my opinion. It was the worst pasta I’ve ever had in my entire life. The spaghetti was overcooked, the sauce was non-existent, and the plate itself was about the size of my hand. On top of that, the waiter had the nerve to make me pay for my dish when I sent it back and told him that I didn’t like it. It was a nightmare.

It may be the one restaurant, but either way the food I had in Portofino was awful and extremely over-priced.

The reason I say that I probably wont return, is because it looks like a great town to vacation in when you’re in your 50’s or 60’s, with your spouse, and have a lot of extra money to spend. I’m sure there is great food in Portofino, but a backpacker or college student like myself definitely cannot afford it.

Besides this, as I stated before, the views were gorgeous. My other two roommates decided to hike the five cities of Cinque Terre, Italy. From my roommate’s stories and experiences I would highly recommend going there rather than Portofino. The views look better anyways!